This may not ever make it to the one its meant for but who knows I might get enough balls to send it to him. lol But for now I write it as if it were to you guys (:
So a little background info to start this off. I started the whole "being into guys" at the early age of 12. Despite the "innocent" one my family thought I was, sad to say I wasn't. I was never the one to hang around kids my age, but always around the older ones. Actually I don;t even know if they are aware of everything even now but its 2 late for them to do anything now. Anywho My first real kiss was at 12 and it went downhill from there. To tell you the truth I honestly can't remember who it even was now. (I know what your thinking but I actually wasn't that bad I can narrow it down to 2 but I cant decipher who was actually the first lol) My first actual "boyfriend" I was 13 needless to say that one did probably the 2nd most damage. He was 23 and a real smooth talker,I was a gullible girl. He knew exactly what he was doing and boy did he end up throwing me for a loop. Ever seen the movie "thirteen" ? That was me in a nutshell pretty much. I truly thought he really loved me at the time. He would text me all day while I was in school. I would "go to my friends house" and end up spending time with him. He introduced me to his "boys" and everything seemed fine. WELL let's just say after a while rumors started "he was sleeping with my sister". Since we lived in a tiny ass town I figured people were just talking because they were jealous of the shopping sprees I would get, how he was always with me, and his family loved me. Come to find out there was something going on and still to this very day I can;t get either one of them to actually admit anything went down but he did end up admitting enough to crush me into a billion pieces. [See my entire life everyone always talked about how gorgeous my sister was, how she should get any guy she wanted, etc. I always looked up to her in a way because after awhile I figured everyone was right. She always called me a "fat cow" and told me how ugly I was and how I would never amount to anything, I would never find a good guy, Nobody would ever love me etc. Now granted I wasn't the skinniest thing when I was little I wasn't huge and that's not something you tell a 6-7 year old. Might I add she's 6 years older than me so she damn sure knew better. Anyways those 2 things alone things totally ruined me on so many levels that even now, years later, I still have those wounds.
Let's mention Guy #2 He said he loved me, I being young and dumb yet fell for it again. Let me tell you about homeboy here. This guy was 23? maybe 24? He was a correctional officer, made good money, had things going for him, seemed like a decent guy. I met him through friends we talked for a while I told him how old I was and he said that he would have never guessed by how mature I carried myself. Anyways time we on one thing led to another and we started dating and such. Turns out after the "new" wore off and he got comfortable with me, he was actually a drug-dealer, and only wanted me for arm candy. Basically to run deals and sex. I quickly left that one. It was quite easy to do because I threatened if he tried anything crazy I'd turn him in and he'd loose his job. Surprise Surprise the prison already had him under investigation and like 2 years later he got put in prison his damn self , Smooth move Sherlock!
Guy #3 was never ever supposed to happen. I got with him on a dare made by my friends. I was more popular than him as he was the tech-anime nerdy type. He was a senior in high school and I was a freshmen. I wasn't quite as wild anymore due to the fact I was on the flag team. So I was nearly always working out, practicing, or hanging out in the alcove watching & dancing to the drumline practicing. So what started it all was that I really really wanted to go to senior prom but being a underclassmen I had to be escorted by a senior. Since the only senior that really showed interest in me was a ugly douche bag football player I gave up. Some of my friends and I were sitting on "the big purple box" down band hall after school. The flag girls didn't have practice or something that day so as usual we were flirting with the drumline while the band practiced lol Well here comes Guy #3 walking outta chorus practice and My friend looks at me and said as he was walking off "I bet you can get him to go out with you and make him think your really serious", Then another adds "I dare you to get him wrapped so good he asks you to prom". Well me being me ended up doing it. That night I was on 3-way with the girls as usual lol We got on the then hot spot "myspace" and I messaged him. We went back and forth for like 3 days and he asked me on a date to the movies that Friday after he got off work, then we went to eat at waffle house lol romantic huh?! Anywho a few weeks went by and he asked me to be his girlfriend, me being pressured by the ever so lovely friends of mine I said yes. After all the goal was to make him think I was serious enough he'd ask me to prom right?! He was so amazingly sweet to me during this time, He had no clue what was going on. We would be changing classes and he'd slip me a note. I often would meet him at his car after school and he'd have a teddy bear, or necklace or something waiting for me. He was a true prince charming. Not knowing it I quickly actually started liking him. By the time he asked me to prom I had really fallen for him. I loved him and he loved me I took his virginity on prom night he was 18. We were like truly head over heels for each other. My family did not like him from day 1 (remember they thought I was miss goody 2 shoes still so the thought of me even "talking" to guys was outta the question) I basically had to move out that summer after a little incident including him, me ,my gma, and the cops. Me not even a sophomore in high school yet was now faced with being on my own. I wasn't old enough to have a job, had no money, Eventually me and him got a place together before school started once I convinced him to move out of his parents house. from then on I basically sat in the the house watching movies all day and night if I wasn't in school. We barely had enough money for rent and lights so sometimes if we didn't have enough money for gas I didn't go to school. I relied on him for everything, I trusted him to always take care of me, love me, most of all I trusted him with everything I had in me. I gave up so much to be with him. Eventually he proposed to me and I was on top of the world. Shortly after he started cheating on me, it started with girls online then girls at his college and then anything with a pussy. Its not like he had it bad or anything either. Once I could I got a job. I got a car. I went to school, worked, came home did homework, and had dinner waiting on him when he got home from work. Sex life was still amazing we finally had a little play money. I was totally faithful as I didn't hardly have time for anything because I was being Betty Homemaker and still in high school. His cheating got worse but when you love somebody you can never see the real truth. He moved me around to cities where I had no friends or connections so I usually sat at home being the housewife. He would always use the fact he had a nice paying job so I didn't need one. In reality it was so I didn't find out about him creepin. My dumbass still not wanting to accept the fact he was cheating on me and would never stop ended up falling for his lies YET AGAIN & married him. Shortly after getting married he got a job a Disney World and off we moved to Orlando. I was now over 230 miles away from everything and everyone I knew and loved. Wouldn't you know it his cheating was so bad he brought a girl home while I was home. That straw really broke the camels back. There is alot he did I've left out because I'm 2 embarrassed to even admit it, though I really wish I could let it all out so I could breathe.
Needless to say thanks to these events and many more that happened throughout these I now have huge trust issues, I doubt everything, and I still have nightmares from things he put me through. It seems like every guy I ever get extremely attached to ends up burning me worse than the one before. Some may say its karma that Guy #3 ended up fucking me over royally. OK I get that and accept that. But what about everything before him?! Yes I have some issues with the whole "male figure" since my parents divorced when I was 9. They both chose other people over us kids. Around this same time I lost the only man who I ever trusted and was truly my hero. My papa. That easy-going, big hearted, white haired man completely captured my heart. I was always with him or somewhere close by. So when I lost him and then my parents divorced really traumatized me.
_From the soul with many wounds
-xoxox Brandi-
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